I, Chubby Checker, Will Tell You How to Twist for One Last God Damn Time

By Joe Moore (@thejoemoore)

Hey kids! It’s me, Chubby Checker! What’s that you say? You want to do the Twist!? Again?! Well sure I can tell you how! But please for the love of God pay attention this time, I’m getting tired of telling you how to Twist!

I’ve been doing the Twist with you since 1959. And ever since 1959, it seems like I’ve have to keep telling you how to do it! That is literally decades. And it doesn’t matter how often I tell you, you forget and come to me to remind you.

I really felt like I was needlessly repeating myself when I followed up my smash hit single “The Twist” with “Let’s Twist Again”… but nope! When I recorded “Twistin USA” and you still weren’t precisely sure how to do the Twist, I just assumed it was some fluky thing. Maybe I wasn’t explaining it well enough. For sure you’d have figured it out after “Twisting Around the World” though? But that was when I learned then how nothing in this life can be for sure.

Heck, I recorded my duet with Dee Dee Sharp “Slow Twistin'” because I thought maybe I was just going too fast for you.

I’m not so sure this is my fault anymore. Maybe I’m making it too easy for you. Like, by giving you so many opportunities to ask me for instruction I’m allowing you to be lazy. So I’ll show you now, one more god damn time.

How about this is it though, OK? This will be the absolute last time. And that means I really need you to want to remember how to do the Twist now. Don’t just dance till the song is over and then walk away. We’ll do it a few times, maybe first you can watch me, then we’ll do it together, and then I’ll just watch you and let you teach me.

Does someone want to maybe grab a pencil and write it down? No? Ok, fine. Just a suggestion, and its fine if you don’t but just so long as we agree this is the last time.

Ready? Spread out now, you’ll want some room to toss your arms to-and-fro once you get going like this you’ll want to- did no one bring a saxophone? Oh my god. You know that the saxophone is a pretty integral part to the whole thing, and it really drives me up a wall. They’re just too loud! Saxophones sound like someone who is bragging about doing something they just learned how to do. Shut up saxophone, I’ve seen people do a cannonball into a pool before. Nothing like the understated full sound of a clarinet – now that’s an instrument. Anyways,we’ll plug away without a saxophone, but don’t let that throw you off.

OK, so first you gotta move your hands like this. Like this. You’re not looking at me. Look at me. You aren’t looking. Stop moving. Just stop moving and watch me. See how I… are you looking? Listen, if you are going to stare off into space again I’m not going to this. Ok I know you are looking but are you paying attention? Hello?

I’ll wait.