I Have A Real Concern About The Women With Short Bangs Beating The Crap Out Of Me

By Caitlin S. Weigel

Thank you for allowing me to address the group this evening. I know that the agenda is already PACKED for tonight’s town hall but I do feel that this is an important issue that needs to be brought to the light and dealt with.

There are too many women in this neighborhood with short bangs and they all look like they could kick the shit out of me.

I know you’ve seen them – there’s the brunette works at Bean There, and has bangs so short they would barely even qualify to be toothbrush bristles. I have tried to be nice, I have tried to order my chai with a smile on my face, but I can just tell that she’s thinking about stepping on my neck as she steams that milk. I can feel it vibrating off her punky hair fringe.

And what about that woman who always walks her dogs in the morning and wears fashion sweatpants with asymmetrical Jetson shirts? I’ve seen more bangs on an infant! And while my passing eye contact is saying “Hello Neighbor!” hers screams, “These dogs have a taste for blood and I’m bored.”

And let’s not act like Stacy the babysitter doesn’t look like the type who would mind head-butting you in an alley. I leave my kids with her because she’s been a reliable babysitter and sometimes I just really need the “me” time, but I’m truly sure she’s just casing the joint, making note of my weaknesses and hoping to one day stuff a bunch of her short bangs down my throat – a real choking hazard if you’ll notice how small they are.

I don’t know where these women have gotten all this confidence from, confidence that has enabled them to try a daring and trendy haircut that makes them all look like Barbies in the hands of a child who just learned about scissors, and also women who believe in themselves so hard they wouldn’t mind pulling a real Kill Bill style situation on me as I mind my business in our local public spaces.

I am asking you, fellow members of the community to help put an end to this. After all, if these women are so careless with their scissors, what makes you think they won’t be careless with our lives?